Zen mind

Clarity of mind comes in waves for me. I have always been this way. Left and right brain must take turns like alternating pistons in a car engine. When the balance isn't just right, it's as though a veil is pulled over my eyes. Things aren't clear as they once were. I feel uninspired, numb to the beautiful infinity unfolding all around.

This week that veil is sliding off and I'm starting to feel a rhythm to life again. Everything, it seems, is just a little bit easier: waking up in the morning, dealing with daily stressors, even simply thinking two steps ahead of any moment. It's so strange to look back and think, "when exactly was it that I was so stuck in the mud? It must have been so hard for me." But I think back and recall a week in Mexico, two in Peru, and countless triumphant weekends with my family, friends, and girl'fiend.

I expressed in my last entry that I felt drained by work days. I think that this is where I'm reconciling my groove. Today I got to work half an hour early, and left an hour and a half late. When I arrived at North Station, 30 minutes sat between me and the next ride home, and yet I felt no frustration. I spent the time drawing the people around me. On the train, I put pencil to paper again and next thing I new I was fantasizing about surfing sunset at OB.

Last night I meditated for 30 or 40 minutes, there must be irony in this considering the previous paragraph contains about 13 instances of the pronoun "I" by my count. Self absorbed as I am at this moment, last night was a welcome deviation into emptiness. The night before I spent about 2 hours working on a drawing and more time messing around with oil pastels. This is definitely a favorite form of meditation for me. The mind becomes so fixed on shape and shadow that nothing else can distract. A hand may travel to scratch an itch, or the body may reposition itself more comfortably, but the mind defers all these things to the reflexes.

It is claimed that meditation is like an exercise for the mind -- that repeated practice yields improved focus and clarity. I subscribe to this belief, though my experience with rigorous meditation is lacking. The world around can be so over-stimulating that it pollutes and numbs the senses. Sometimes I wonder if a day will come when I will be unaffected by the sound of a car accident. Whatever the case, I aim to chase down the luminescent clarity and focus that has time-and-again washed over me, maybe this time I can ride it out.